Six Months!

Ok, first let me say that I am sorry that I did not do a very good job keeping up with this blog.  I admit that I have done this before and truth be told I will probably do it again.   I love to write and I always have a million things running through my mind...but having the time to sit down and write them out is a different story...maybe one day.

Whew...now that I got that off my chest let me say that I can hardly believe that is has been six months today since they removed the cancer from my body...nine months since my first mammogram.

So much has happened, so many thoughts and emotions.  For several months afterwards I walked around in a fog.  Not quite sure what to think or how to act.  Life kept going.  I kept working and taking care of my children...but I still felt (and sometimes feel) off.  I can't really explain it.  It is not something that you can really put into words.  I could try, but it would definitely be babble!!  The reoccurring thought of 'is this real' entered my brain a lot. 

It was. 

It still is.

Now I am celebrating being a survivor.  I am not taking anything for granted and living each day thankful.

Six months...that is half a year!!

In some respects it seems like just yesterday, but in other ways it really seems like it was a lifetime ago. I find myself every once in a while thinking about all of the different 'lifetimes' I have had.  Childhood, high school, early adulthood, children...children now entering puberty.  Each season really does feel like a lifetime (I think this puberty thing just might be) and it is really hard to wrap my brain around the fact that in each of these seasons it was me and how much I have grown and changed.

Now when I say 'it was', that does not mean that this season is over.  Cancer is never over.  I will forever have checkups and tests.  I will forever have scars...physically at least...I am letting God slowly heal the other scars.  As I have said before, cancer does not just attack your body.  It attacks your brain and your heart.  It changes the way that you see and do everything. 

Now whenever I hear of someone who has cancer, it is like living it all over again. I can not just be a bystander...I am in the game.  I know exactly the way they feel when they hear the news, I know the fear and sadness.  It is very difficult to remove yourself from that. 

But on the other hand, empathy is a good thing too and God is using it. This is just the beginning of a new season of been there...done that, lets talk.   I know that when I am going through something, I really want someone who has been there...done that.  Today I get to have lunch with my sweet friend Lisa who has been there and done that with cancer. We will talk and she will fill me with Truth and then this weekend when I see a sweet friend who is right in the middle of her battle we will sit and talk and I will fill her with Truth.

That is the Body. 

That is rejoicing with those who rejoice and mourning with those who mourn.

It is good...It is a new reality. 

There is no way to go through something like this unchanged...nor would I want to.  I have learned that I am not immortal, I am not in control and I am not bullet proof.  I have also learned that I am beautiful, I am loved and I am redeemed. 

I will take redeemed over in control any day.

Reality Check

It seems like just yesterday I was twenty.

So full of energy and youth.

I am not twenty anymore...I am forty (getting VERY close to forty-one!)

Now I would say that I have embraced aging well.  I don't think about it too often and when I do I usually find myself not able to believe that I am forty.

Actually, I usually don't feel my age.  Most of the time I still feel very young and still love to do so many fun things and spend time with younger people.  Only on occasion do I feel it...usually when I have to get up from sitting on the ground really quickly and I find myself making that grunt noise that I used to cringe when my mother made, especially in front of other people...now I understand.

Ah with age comes so much wisdom!!

But yesterday I had a reality check.  I was checking out at a store and after the lady finished ringing me up and I gave her my debit card she asked me for my ID.  She looked at the picture several times and said that it did not look like me.  I explained to her that when you renew your drivers license on line they continue to use the same picture they have on file and that picture was nine years old.  They only update the expiration date and if your address has changed.

She kept looking at it and then said 'you look so young in that picture, like a teenager'. 

Now again, I am very thankful that the Lord has tamed my tongue and given me self control.  Because in my mind I was thinking 'lady, that was nine years ago...there is a HUGE difference between 31 and 40 and you have no idea what I have been through'.

All I did was smile.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

If Only One...

If only one woman hears my story and takes getting a mammogram seriously, it is all worth it.

If only one person hears my story and listens to what the Lord is telling them, it is all worth it.

If only one person hears my story and obeys the Lord, it is all worth it.

If only woman hears my story and realizes that her worth in the Lord is not her physical beauty but that of a gentle and quiet spirit, it is all worth it.

If only one person hears my story and realizes they are a sinner in need of a Savior and understands that is Jesus and accepts Him as his own, then it is all worth it.

It has been such a blessing to hear friends tell me that they have shared my testimony with other people.  I have prayed that God would use this for His glory.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.   Romans 8:28-30

God has worked everything together for good...maybe not what I would have picked.  But He chose cancer to conform me more to the image of Jesus.  He has refined me and called me trust in His goodness even when everything looks bad.

Oh how I pray that for others.

I do NOT wish cancer on anybody, but I do pray that the Lord breaks each of us and humbles us to become dependent solely on Him.

I got to share my testimony with my church back in December after having a car accident and the Lord immedately provided me with a free vehicle. I then got to share my testimony again a couple of weeks ago on the importance of obeying the Lord.

A sweet girl came up to me and said how much she loves to hear me give my testimonies and to keep giving them.  My first thought was uh, no...a car accident...cancer...I would really rather not give any more testimonies any time soon, thank you!

But as I thought about it more, I realized what a priviledge it is to be used by God. 

He chose me.

He used me.

It is all worth it.

Light at the End of the Tunnel Part 2

So the other day I posted that there was light at the end of the tunnel because everything was going along smoothly and I was almost done with doctors.

Then Tuesday night we were at Bible camp I was trying to lock an apartment door that was really hard to lock...I had to fiddle with it for a while, it was hot and I was tired.

I finally got it locked and then looked down at my right pointer finger.  It was swollen huge and purple.  It freaked me out a bit but I just rubbed it and the swelling went down some.

Later that evening I was looking at it and trying to figure out why my finger would do that.  I was putting the day together with having the PET scan earlier in the day and wondered if it was a side effect.

Then my mind went back to something that my oncologist talked about being careful about with blood pressure and needles...lymphedema. 

Lymphedema can happen when the lymph nodes are compromised and they send mixed signals through your body causing swelling in your extremities...I have learned way too much.

Lyphedema is not curable and can progress like cancer if not treated.

When I got that thought in my head, I started saying "Lord, really...why"?  Why more...I am so close to being done.  I can't do any more.

I had a pity party for about 5 minutes and then the Lord started showing me that even if it is this Lymphedema that there is still Light at the end of the tunnel.

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 1 John 1:5

Whenever you have God there is always Light.  God is Light.  I can not base this Truth on my circumstances or what I think I can handle or how many more doctors appointments I have on the calendar.

I have to trust that He is in control and will get me through any situation. I belong to God.  He chose me.  He loves me with an everlasting love and even though we live in a fallen world where bad things happen every day He is protecting me and taking care of me.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 1 Peter 2:9

So once I had my perspective back I went to the doctor today and she said that it was just a broken blood vessel.  My body is still tender so things will effect me more.

No lymphedema.

Oh and she had the results from my PET scan back and they were all clear...cancer free indeed!!

Oh Rosie

Oh my sweet suburban.

I love that you are big.

I love that you are red.

I love that you are 18 years old but don't look a day over 10...you make me look young too.

I love that you are named Rosie.

I love that people can see you from a mile away and know that we are coming.

I love that when I pull up to a stop sign I laugh at small cars and think about what you could do to them.

I love that I feel like a truck driver when I put the emergency break on with my foot really hard.

I love that small children jump when I start you up and you say vrrrooom really loud.

But Rosie we have a problem...you have two back seats and I have two boys...that is just an invitation for bad things to happen.

Rosie, that second back seat is hard to get to...so you need to tell me when Alex tears up a styrofoam cup for no reason at all and I need to know where the other half of the Happy Meal went.

And Rosie, Dr. Pepper is not our friend.

I know that you love me Rosie and I know that you will help me...

Whew, I feel better now that it is out in the open.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

The last few months of my life have been one medical procedure after another.  While I am thankful beyond belief at Gods mercy in my life, I'm not gonna lie, it has been tiring.

But I am seeing light at the end of this tunnel.  All of my bloodwork has come back good and today I had a PET scan, so as long as those results come back good next Tuesday I will be done for three months.

While this has been tiring and not something that I want to do on a regular basis, I do have to say that it has been extremely fascinating being so involved in the medical realm. 

I have learned a lot. 

Like today for instance I had this PET scan.  My orders all day yesterday were to eat a high protein, low carb diet.  Ugh...it doesn't matter how much steak and mushrooms you eat, without some potatoes or bread you are still hungry. 

I didn't know why I had to do this, that was just what they told me.  And then today I could not eat anything until the scan which was at 11:45 this morning and then took 2 hours total...I was pretty miserable. 

Anyway, I get to the doctors and they begin injecting me with something and I asked her why I had to do the diet yesterday.

She explained to me that it allowed my cells to be depleted of sugar so that what she was injecting into me would go into the cells and they would be able to read if they were normal or not.  If my cells were full of sugar, the injected "stuff" would have gone into my muscles causing a false reading.

Fascinating.

One, that the liquid knew where to go and two, that the doctors have figured this out.

If I were smarter and not quite so old I think I would be a doctor.

Medical science is vast.  I have seen surgeons, radiologist, oncologists...pretty much every kind of ist there is and each one knows so much about so many different things.

And it is all about our body.

The body that God created...imagine how much more He knows than the doctors ever will...now that is really fascinating.

So pray that I get the all clear next week and that I do not have to do anything, at least for myself, for the next three months, and then that will just be blood work...I say myself because you never know with children, Alex had an X-ray yesterday because we thought he broke his arm on the ceiling fan (don't ask...boys).

Praise God all is well.

Recovery Is So Not My Nature

By nature I move fast and I think fast.

Because of that nature, I think that I should recover fast.

Right now I am moving slow and thinking slow.

This is hard.

I have to remember that my body went under anestesia and went through major surgery.

Praise the Lord that every day I get a little better, but I am used to going from sunup to sunddown without stopping and being ok with that.  I actually thrive on it.

I love to move and be on the go and be a part of things.

Now I go for a couple of hours and I need to lay down and rest.

I know this is normal and I know this is ok, but it is hard.

The Lord is teaching me a lot in this.  He is showing me to slow down and depend on Him and other people.  I have been so blessed to have so many people helping me.  I have gotten to see the Body be the Body and function like God intends for it to be done.

So pray that I will be ok going at the pace that I am going and not overdo it.  Pray that I would continue to use the opportunities God is giving me to be still and allow Him to speak to me and show me what He has for me.

No More Cancer

I met with the oncologist today.

I am cured.

Or as the doctor says 99.9% cured...because no doctor says 100% cured.

Everyday I continue to be amazed at God's faithfulness.

Because He specifically said to me 'get a mammogram' and I obeyed they detected the cancer before it became invasive.

Had I waited or second guessed hearing God this could be a totally different story.

God loves me enough to want to speak to me and He blesses my obedience.

Since the cancer was not invasive and not in the lymph nodes I will not have to have radiation or chemotherapy.

Can I get a praise God!!

So today I got blood work done and will schedule PET scans and chest X-Rays to check the rest of my body. She started talking about having other things checked out by my primary doctor.  I told her that I don't usually go to the doctor on a regular basis.

She looked at me in the face and said 'Happy Birthday, you are 40...now you do'!!

Ouch!!

But it is a small price to pay for my health.  Now, I can't say that the idea of all of these tests doesn't make me nervous at what they might find.  Those thoughts will always be in the back...or sometimes right in the middle of my mind.

But I do know that the same God that told me to get a mammogram is the same God that was there during my meltdown on Monday and is the same God that will be with me through test after test and whatever lies ahead.

I took you from the ends of the earth.  From its farthest corner I called you.  I said 'you are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.  So do not fear, I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:9-10


So today praise God with me.  Praise Him that He is always good and always faithful.  Continue to pray for my healing, I am getting stronger each day.  Pray for upcoming tests and that I will continue to rest in the peace that God gives me and trust that He has the very best for me.

Fuzzy Wuzzy

Fuzzy Wuzzy is not a bear.

Fuzzy Wuzzy is my brain.

That is why my posts have been infrequent.  Reading and typing have not come easy for me the last few days.

Netflix and Cake Boss have been my entertainment.  It requires absolutely no brain cells to watch TV.

While I have been Fuzzy Wuzzy life has been going on all around me.  This past week has been a beautiful picture of the Body coming together and doing what it is supposed to do.

I have had a steady stream of visitors, people bringing me food, helping me, taking my boys and basically doing everything I can not do right now.

I really wish that I could have been able to really see it clearly and enjoy it more.  Unfortunately, I have sat on the couch and watched it go by in a Vicatin induced state of mind.

As I stated in a previous post that I am in the emotional stage...apparently Vicatin enhances those emotions and this morning I had my first meltdown.

That is ok.

As one friend said, I was due for a meltdown and God says that He holds all of our tears in a bottle.  So therefore crying is good and crying is healing.

I want to heal.  Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.  That is why God created crying.  When you hold everything in you get hard and I think it would be easy to start enjoying the Vicatin.

Praise God He knows that I don't want that and he allowed this meltdown.  I thought that my appointment to get the drainage tubes out was this afternoon, but Vicatin also causes me to make things up and my appointment wasn't actually until tomorrow.

Meltdown.

Praise the Lord for my doctors office and they are going to work me in today.  Calling the doctor during a meltdown is a good thing.

So after sweet prayer and the realization that God wants me to cry and even meltdown I am better.  Because I also realize that while God wants these things, He also wants me to move forward and not stay in this state.

While I know I will still be emotional for a while and I am just beginning to heal.  I also know that God is with me holding my hand every step of the way.

How sweet is that?!

Thank you for praying for me.  Keep praying for me to heal and that each day I will get stronger and not have to take this pain medicine much longer.

My Hospital Stay

Words can not even begin to describe what a wonderful experience (for what it is really) I had yesterday.

God was so good to me.

And truly it is only because of the Lord that I can go through an experience like this with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

The day started out with them having to inject radio active dye into me to find the centinal (main) lymph node.  Two of my sweetest and funniest friends got to be in the room with me.

You can only imagine the laughter and jokes about me glowing and when he injected the pain medicine a little squirted up on my face and they said it was because he didn't want me to ask any more questions.

We had too much fun.

Then I went to pre-op where I was surrounded by friends and family that prayed sweet prayers over me.  Prayers of peace and healing and quick recovery.

God is already moving mightily there.

I came out of surgery and was continued to be surrounded by so many people, beautiful flowers and dinner brought to me.

All the while I was coherant and mobile and not in much pain (I do have some good drugs!)

My children came to see me and were at peace that momma was ok.

A sweet girl spent the night at the hospital and we talked until mid night with the lights off.  At one point I told her it felt like we were at camp and not the hospital.

God is good.

He is in control and He loves to lavish His goodness on His children.

I am home now and recovering.  I go back to the doctor on Thursday.  They will have the final pathology report from the lymph nodes, but right now it still looks like it was not invasive and that they got it all.

Pray that I am cancer free!!

Pray for me today

Pray for me today.

My mind is a whirlwind and my stomach is in knots.

But deep down inside is still the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Pray that that peace will come to the surface and have victory over my mind and my stomach.

Pray for the surgeons today.

Pray for all of the "legistics" of my sister getting here safely and my children not being too nervous and acting out.

Pray that I would glorify the Lord above all else.

Pray that the hospital staff would see Jesus in me and want to know why there is a smile on my face as I go into surgery.

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 2 Corinthians 4:6-11

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day.

You are never too old for your mother.  When you are a baby and a small child you want your mother to hold you, to rock you and to kiss your boo boo and make it better.

Then you reach adolescence.  You try really hard to pretend that you do not have a mother.  You fight for your independence and think that you know everything and mom has no clue (but secretly you still think she is the best because she makes good food and snuggles up with you when no one is looking!).

And then something happens when you become an adult, you realize that everything your mother said was true and she really did know things.  The world starts getting hard and you still want your mother to hold you, to rock you and to kiss your boo boo and make it better.

Ah moms...there is nothing like them.  They are strong and courageous and yet soft and gentle.  They are capable of doing forty-seven things at one time and yet really listen when their child needs them. 

I have really been missing my mother a lot.  You will always miss your mother, but sometimes more than others.  I know that there have been a lot of days that I wish my mom was here to rock me and kiss this boo boo and make it better.

But I am thankful for the time that I had with my mother, the memories and the love.  She was a very special lady.

So if you still have your mother with you, make sure that you call her and love on her...not just today but everyday.

If your mother is gone, rejoice in the time that you had. 

Make new and special memories with your own kids.

Whirl Winds and Wind Downs

This week has gone by uncomfortably fast. 

It has been a whirlwind, as have the last three weeks as well. 

I have spent these past few weeks preparing my job, my house and my children for me to be "out of commission" for several weeks. 

God has been asking me to sit down with Him and really prepare my heart for what I am about to go through.  As God usually does with me, He starts out slowly and gently and as I grow increasingly busier (sometimes in an effort to avoid the inevitable) He gets louder and more persistant.

Monday night I got to do just that.  I sat down with God and just let Him have it.  As painful as it was just to lay my heart out bare it was equally sweet because He reminded me of His Truth and gave me the peace that can only come from Him.

When a person is diagnosed with cancer there are several stages that they go through.  The first stage is shock.  When you are speechless and kind of floating outside of your body.  Usually this stage does not last very long because really life keeps happening, you have to talk and there is no time for floating.

The second stage is action.  Ok...we know what this is now what are we going to do.  Lets develop a plan of treatment and get the show on the road.  This is a pretty cold stage where again there is no time for floating and no time for emotions.

The third stage and where I am now is emotional.  And I am not talking about walking around hysterical and crying because really all that would do is rob me of my joy and how would God receive glory in that?

Emotional is real and lasts for quite a while because cancer changes your whole perception of reality. We view life as something that just is and cancer comes in and says 'this can be taken away from you at any minute and you really are not in control of this at all'. 

Emotional is hurt, it is sad, it is fear and it is standing in a group of people and thinking to yourself is this really real?  Is this happening to me?  How am I still functioning?

There is only one answer to that.

God.

God wants to take all of these real emotions and deal with them.  He does not want me to keep them bottled up or ignore them.  He wants to speak Truth over me and remind me that He goes before me and is with me and never leaves me or forsakes me (Deuteronomy 31:8) , that His perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18) and  that He has loved me with an everlasting love; He has drawn me with unfailing kindness. (Jeremiah 31:3).

This is the beauty of Christ.  We live in a messed up world with sickness and hurt and He tells us that yes, while we will get sick and we will hurt, we need not worry because He never changes.  We can be caught up in a whirlwind, but just hold on because He is a Rock that will not be shaken.

How can I put my faith and trust in anything else besides that?

So I am asking the Lord that the peace that He has given me this week continue.  That I will have that peace on Monday when I go to the hospital.  That I will have this peace in a year...in fifteen years...in thirty  years and up until I stand before Him and say yay!! 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

Pray this for me too.

Stop, Think and Pray

Have you ever stopped to think how many times a day you pick up something heavy like your child, a box or the groceries.

Have you ever stopped to think how many times a day you bend over to get pick something up or reach up high for an object.

All day every day.

We take so many things for granted.  Our mobility for example, we can just jump out of bed and start to work without even giving it a second thought when there are so many people who are unable to do simple tasks for whatever reason.

Really, try it now.  Drop a pencil on the floor and then pick it up...now providing that you didn't hit your head on the desk or counter, that was really simple. Right.

You didn't even have to think about it.

Imagine that there are people right now that for them picking up a pencil off the floor is a great accomplishment.

Yesterday I spent the day very aware of it. 

My surgery is only a week away and then I will spend a good three to six weeks regaining full mobility and be limited to what I can carry and do. So therefore I have been thinking and planning how that will affect my every day life.

Wow.

It affects every minute of my day.  Getting a cup out of the cupboard or picking one of the million hot wheels up off the floor...even driving, since I drive a tank, things that I normally do without thinking will require much thought and be painful.

I started thinking of those who spend a much longer time or even a lifetime unable to appreciate simple tasks. I know that I will recover and be fine, but so many people will not.  Many people spend their days in pain, have obstacles that they must overcome and have a lifetime of hard.

So I challenge you this week.  Everytime you stoop down or reach up, everytime you lift something heavy or jump up from the couch or bed...pray.

Pray for loved ones or friends who are battling cancer.

Pray for those you know recovering from surgery or other illnesses.

Pray for those who can not walk.

Pray for those who have lost a limb and even the simplest of things are a challenge.

Pray that God would make you more aware of the people around you and give you a thankful heart for the abilities He has given you.

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. Colossians 4:2

Being Still Before the Lord

“Be still, and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10

I love to be still before the Lord.

I love to read Gods Word.

I love to pray.

I love to worship.

So really this isn't a very hard thing is it...or is it?

I am realizing that while I love to do these things, I love to do them on my time.  My quiet time in the morning, getting together with a group of people to pray or corporate worship.  All of these things are done on My time and I fit them into MY schedule...ouch.

But being told that I will spend two weeks at home not doing anything...being still...is making my heart beat fast.  The kind of fast when you are anticipating something but you are not sure how it is going to work out.

I have spent the last week rescheduling appointments, shopping, cleaning, lining up people to help with the boys. 

I have been anything but still...I have been very much a Martha when I really want to be a Mary.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. Luke 10:38-39

I invite Jesus into my house, but am I stopping to listen to Him and sit with Him when He wants to talk to me or do I say hold on just a minute while I finish what I am doing?

The idea of being in my house and seeing something that needs to be done and not being able to do it makes me a little nauseous.

I am a doer.  I see something that needs to be done, I do it.  A Martha.

But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”  Luke 10:40

My first thought was maybe I will be so drugged that I won't care what is going on. That would be the easy way out...just sleep through it.  But then the Lord started showing me that He wants me to be still on His time and that He is in control so I just need to let up a little bit.

 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,  but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”  Luke 10:41-42

I want to chose what is better.  So the house may not be spotless, the laundry might pile up...that is ok because He is worthy of my undivided attention.  When He wants to speak to me is when I need to drop everything and listen.

So pray that while I am preparing my house and my children for my upcoming surgery that I will also let God prepare my heart for Him to show me how to slow down, and not just when I have to but also when He wants me to.

Easter 2011

We had such a wonderful day today.

Truth be told it did not start out wonderful.  The enemy definately tried to put his two cents in this morning.  I spent 15 minutes telling Alex that his clothes did not match and why he could not wear that to church and then half way to church I looked at Michael and said "where are your shoes"?!  He thought they were in the car but they were not...yes we had to turn around and go back home.

All these things were definately trying to distract me and rob me of joy...but aha!  I am on to oh evil one and said "get behind me"!!

Come to find out he tried to pull this trick on several other people I talked to today...not very creative is he.

After a wonderful church service we headed to my favorite place on earth besides my house...my home away from home. 

Such a wonderfully peaceful place where time stands still, cell phones do not exist and people are relaxed.

My adopted parents Nana and Paw Paw.

So much love and wisdom here that they freely pour out.

The boys enjoy it too. 

Such sweet smiles

This is more realistic.

They swam.

They relaxed.

I curled up with Nana for some really good long talks. 

I could stay here forever.

But alas, I can not.  Tomorrow is back to work and school.  Three days went by fast, but we soaked up rest, relaxation and fellowship and made great memories.

Psalm 139

You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Lord, all day long you are watching me.  You see me when I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to stay two steps ahead of my boys.  You see me when I am so exhausted and I can't put a complete sentence together, I know the words I want to use but can't seem to make sense...but you know them completely.

Today I can not fathom it.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn,  if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me  and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

You are everywhere Lord.  You are there when I am laughing, acting goofy and having a blast.  You are there when I am crying like a baby curled up in a ball.  You never leave me.

You are proud and cheering right along side me when my kids do something great.  You are holding me in your arms when I feel sad and all alone.

Today I can not fathom it.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body;  all the days ordained for me were written in your book  before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.

You made me.  You made my cute dimple and you made my left foot bigger than my right foot.  And in Your eyes it is perfect.  When I look in the mirror and in my eyes something doesn't look quite right, You are seeing a beautiful masterpiece that you created.  You knew 40 years ago all the things that I would do, and you love me anyway.  You knew 40 years ago all the things that would happen to me and you pour your love out on me daily.  You knew that I would be yours.

Today I can not fathom it.

If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.  Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Lord, if only I didn't have to deal with the hard things, the hard people, the enemy, cancer.  Then life would be easy, but then would I need you?  You have never promised me easy.  But you have promised me love.  Let me love like you love...see like you see...feel like you feel.  Lord, you search me...let me let you search me more.

Today I can not fathom it.

But one day I will.  One day everything will be revealed...that glorious day.  Lord haste the day, but until then let me live to glorify you.

Thank you for Jesus...thank you that endured Friday so that we can celebrate Sunday!!!

Brain Overload

Today I spent the afternoon at the lawyers office drawing up my will.  Not because of lack of faith or because I think anything is going to happen to me, but because as a responsible adult/parent it is what I needed to do to make sure everything is in place.

Because quite honestly, anything could happen to any one of us at any time and I do not want to leave a mess for anyone and I want to make sure my children are taken care of.

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. James 4:14

So while I am glad that I have that done, I have to tell you it is a bit daunting to try and tie up your whole life in a pretty little package.

I walked around the rest of the day with such an eternal outlook.  It made my head hurt and my heart grieve for how we live.  So much stuff, so much to think about...I really wish it was much simpler than this.

I made the mistake of going to Wal Mart afterwards and was literally attacked by chocolate bunnies and marshmallow peeps, I wanted to cry. 

Jesus forgive us.

After the past seven weeks of doctors and hospitals and medical lingo, now to add all the legal mumbo jumbo to it, my brain is on overload.

Tomorrow I am not going to think about this at all.  Tomorrow I am going to take a break from all of this and practice Philippians 4.

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.  Philippians 4:8-9

I need that peace because the day after that, I have to tackle the insurance.

Faithfulness is God's Very Nature

God shows His faithfulness to me everyday.  Just the very fact that I woke up this morning is because of His faithfulness.

I am breathing in and out right now and that is because of His faithfulness.  It is amazing that we can have it right in front of us and not see it. 

God has been reminding me of His faithfulness for the past six months . 

Shortly before Christmas I had an accident and totalled my car.  The very same day a couple from our church said that they had a suburban they were not using anymore and I could HAVE it.

That is a huge sign of Gods faithfulness. 

That is actually a flashing neon sign of Gods faithfulness that He would provide a vehicle for me the very same day that there was a need.

That is the kind of faithfulness that we all dance and shout about because it is so evident and it is immediate.

We are a microwave generation.

We want to see things immediately.

It has been seven weeks since my first mammogram.

Five of those weeks were spent waiting, getting more mammograms and having biopsies done.

The whole time God was asking me "Am I still faithful?  If it is cancer am I still faithful?"

Yes Lord you are faithful.  You told me to get a mammogram, the cancer was caught at the very earliest stage.  Surgery is all that is needed.  I will not have to go through chemo or radiation.

I had to wait weeks to find this out.  Weeks that God spent talking to me and showing me His character and faithfulness.  I am very glad for those weeks, hard as they were at the time, they have grown me.

It would be very easy for me to break down and cry "why me Lord, don't you see how much else I already have on my plate?"

But we already know why.  We live in a fallen world with sin and disease and hurt and pain.  This can happen to anyone at any time.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2

The question should never be why, but how.  How can I glorify You Lord?  How can I get through the day on your strength?  How can I share what You are doing with others who do not know You?

These are the questions I am asking.

These are the things He is teaching me.

I still have a lot further to go on this journey.

Pray that even as times get hard that I will continue to draw on His strength and remember His faithfulness.

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.  Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth.  Psalm 57:10-11

My Plan + God's Plan = Perfect Peace

So like I said yesterday was a rough day.

I have spent the last week waiting and thinking and waiting and thinking.

What will the doctor say to me?  What will be my next step?  What will treatment look like?  I had so many questions and no idea what I was going to be told.

I have also spent the last week praying.  I have been asking God to show me what I am supposed to.  What plan will be best for me.  Not what other people suggest or what other people have done.  But what is best for me.

So today I went to the doctor very confident in what I am supposed to do.  But I had to keep reminding myself that the doctor might say something completely different. 

Talk about a major internal tug of war. 

I would pull and pull, knowing what to do, what I felt the Lord telling me.  And just as I pull almost to the other side...yank...what if this is not what the doctor recomends, what if this is not possible?

My heart had deep rope burns by this morning.

When I got to the doctors today and sat down with him.  I laid out everything I had been thinking and he looked at me and said "that is exactly right".

Perfect Peace.

Open the gates that the righteous nation may enter, the nation that keeps faith. You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.  Isaiah 26:2-4

His Plan

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

Yesterday was a hard day.
 
I am tired.

I am tired of waiting and wondering.

I am tired of not having answers and making up plans in my head.

By nature I am a planner.  I like to know what is going to happen and when and how it is going to happen.  When I go too long without answers I begin making plans that may or may not turn out correctly.

Then there is usually disappointment and frustration.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

God has plans for me.  I need to remember that they are not my plans.  I need to hold what is going to happen lightly in my hands.

Today I go to the doctor to discuss my treatment options.

Today I will hopefully have some answers as to what things are going to look like.  Realistically I know that I will not have every answer for everything that will happen for the next year.

I have to be ok with that.

God has a plan and He is faithful to bring it to fruition in His own time.  I see His new mercies every day.

So today pray that I will not try to get ahead of Him.  That I will be ok with a little information at a time and trust that He is going to work everything out.

His plan.

His time.

His glory.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. Romans 8:28-30

Brothers

Look at those precious faces.

Are they not two of the most adorable boys you have ever seen.

Don't be completely fooled, about two minutes before these bright and shining smiles, big brother was picking on little brother like only a 12 year old boy can...really they seem to lose all forms of self control...and little brother was not taking it well.

But that lasts about 5 minutes and then it is smiles and giggles.

That's how we roll around here.

My precious boys. 

Two boys who are as different as night and day but yet share a great love and bond with each other.

Michael, who is 12, loves everything social.  He loves and thrives on being around people.  He can work a room in 5 minutes flat and has never met a stranger.  He is both bookworm and class clown at the same time.  He really wants to be a librarian but I am not sure he can stay quiet that long.  His personal best is 6 minutes...yes we timed him.  It was torture for him.

Alex, who is 9, is much more of lone wolf.  But once he gets to know you, he loves you dearly.  Get him outside with a lizzard or a snake and he is happy for hours.  He will probably live in the jungle somewhere and study bugs.  I said to him that is fine as long as he tells people about Jesus and calls his mother.

Put this combination together and there is never a dull moment. 

They can fight like cats and dogs, but down deep there is a bond and a love that can't be denied.

Brothers.

I had to sit down with these brothers, my boys, and tell them that momma has cancer.

To look in those faces and say that word hurt more than anything I could have imagined.

That is something very difficult to prepare for and can only be Spirit led.

I am so thankful that the Spirit did lead the conversation and the hope that I have was able to pour out on them.

The only thing Michael could say was 'whoa'.

Alex just wanted to stay curled up next to me for a while.  That was fine with me.  Those moments are fewer and farther between as they get older.

The first thing Alex said is "I've never known anyone with cancer before"...Michael quickly said "uh, yeah...Nanny and Grandpa".

Alex "oh".

Typical conversation in our house.

As hard as it was, it was equally sweet. 

I got to share with them how God told momma to have a test done and she obeyed and now it can be treated.

God will get so much glory from this.

But please pray for them.  Because right now I don't think it seems real to them.  I am still same momma, loving and spanking and cooking and cleaning all at the same time.

But I will have treatment.

And it will be rough.

And it will be different.

Pray that they will not be confused and that they seek the Lord and see that He is my strength and is their strength too.

Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. Psalm 105:3-4

Lord Help My Brain

Cancer does not just attack the body, it also attacks the brain.

I am normally a very rational person.

Emotional is not how I would describe myself.

Except when it comes to flip flops, but that is a whole other story.

More times than I would like to count over the last few days my brain has actually left my body and began reacting on its own.

First my brain starts to skip a bit when someone looks at me and I feel those 'oh I am so sorry for you eyes' and my brain says 'pitiful'.

Then my brain breaks into a trot when I feel the 'I am afraid to hug you because I might catch it' reaction from someone. 

Really, is that at all rational?  It is not like leprosy!  The cells are not on the outside of my body!!

And then my brain takes off in a full sprint like yesterday a sweet girl told me to sit down.  She told me to sit so that I could enjoy a particular event. 

My brain (already outside of my body) said 'why do I have to sit down?  Just because I have cancer does not mean that I am an invalid.  I can still do things.  I feel fine'.

A bit dramatic wouldn't you say.

My brain could have probably won an award for that reaction.

Fortunately the Lord has tamed my tongue enough that my mouth does not react as quickly as my brain does and I smiled and sat down.

But my brain tired from all the running around it has been doing.

So today I am praying for focus.

I am praying that my brain would truly hear what people are saying and not start ad libbing.

I am praying that Truth would be in the forefront of my mind so there is not room for all crazy minions running around wreaking havoc.

So please pray these things with me and for me!

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:3-4

Daughter of the King

Today was a beautifully sweet, overwhelmingly emotional day that I will cherish for a long time to come. 

Every year our church holds an event called Daughters of the King.  It is an event directed at school aged girls kindergarten through 5th grade.  It is designed to show them who they are in the Lord.  We want to show girls at a very young age that their beauty and worth is found only in the Lord and not the things of this world such a clothes, jewelry, friends and the standard of beauty that the world holds women to. 

While we do this for the girls, it is for all women of all ages to know that they are deeply loved by the Creator of the Universe and when they have given their lives to Him and are His daughter, it is a love that can never be broken.

The Lord reminded me today that I am His.  He spoke His love over me and showed me that I am beautiful.  No matter what happens to this body of mine, He has my heart and that is what he loves.

The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”  1 Samuel 16:7

I am thankful that I know these things.  I am thankful that the Lord has given me the faith to believe His promises are true.  I pray that these will carry me through what might lie ahead.

Because I am still a girl.

I still like pretty.

I still have flesh that creeps out and tells me lies about myself.

I still look in the mirror and see what the world sees.

Lord help me.

My prayer is that I would fear the Lord above man.  That I would recognize truth and listen to the Lord.

Pray this with me and for me.  Pray that the Lord would clear my mind and that He would speak to my heart.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

Calling All Prayer Warriors

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

Lord, we need to hear from You.  I need to hear from You.  I have been diagnosed with Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. 

Breast Cancer. 

Praise the Lord I am His and God has already been speaking to me.  Six weeks ago He very clearly and loudly said "get a mammogram". 

It was the kind of voice you can not ignore.  I can tune out my own voice really well, but when God says to do something, He does not let up until you do it.  So I dig around to find the number.  Call, expecting to get an appointment in a couple of weeks.  They had an opening the next day.

It had been a couple of years since my last mammogram and that one was uneventful. So I really did not think much at all about getting it done.  I knew it was time anyway.

I get a call back that they want further pictures because they see calcifications and want to see them more clearly.  No need to panic.  A lot of people have calcifications.  Not necessarily at 40, but still it happens. 

I have more pictures taken and they decide they want to do a needle biopsy.  They tell me that I have
A Typical Ductal Hyperplasia. 

Not necessarily cancer.

Then they want to do an incision biopsy to get more tissue.  I have to be honest I was getting a bit concerned at this point.

Then I get the news.  Inductal Carcinoma In Situ. 

Cancer.

No one really knows how they are going to respond to that news.  I had played it over in my head how I might react.  Really all you can do is listen.  Speaking isn't really an option and numbness is a reality.

My mother had breast cancer.  Twice.  She fought hard but lost that fight two years ago this past March.

The Lord told my sweet friend Lisa to tell me 'You are not your mother'.

I am standing on that word.  I am also standing on the promise that He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5) and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14).

So I need for you to pray. 

Hard. 

Pray for God's continual protection. 

Pray for healing. 

Pray for the decisions that I have to make, that I would continue to listen to the Lord and His voice. 

Pray for God to be glorified and that I would respresent Him well during this trial. 

Pray for my sweet boys Michael is 12 and Alex is 9.

Pray.