Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Six Months!

Ok, first let me say that I am sorry that I did not do a very good job keeping up with this blog.  I admit that I have done this before and truth be told I will probably do it again.   I love to write and I always have a million things running through my mind...but having the time to sit down and write them out is a different story...maybe one day. that I got that off my chest let me say that I can hardly believe that is has been six months today since they removed the cancer from my body...nine months since my first mammogram.

So much has happened, so many thoughts and emotions.  For several months afterwards I walked around in a fog.  Not quite sure what to think or how to act.  Life kept going.  I kept working and taking care of my children...but I still felt (and sometimes feel) off.  I can't really explain it.  It is not something that you can really put into words.  I could try, but it would definitely be babble!!  The reoccurring thought of 'is this real' entered my brain a lot. 

It was. 

It still is.

Now I am celebrating being a survivor.  I am not taking anything for granted and living each day thankful.

Six months...that is half a year!!

In some respects it seems like just yesterday, but in other ways it really seems like it was a lifetime ago. I find myself every once in a while thinking about all of the different 'lifetimes' I have had.  Childhood, high school, early adulthood, children...children now entering puberty.  Each season really does feel like a lifetime (I think this puberty thing just might be) and it is really hard to wrap my brain around the fact that in each of these seasons it was me and how much I have grown and changed.

Now when I say 'it was', that does not mean that this season is over.  Cancer is never over.  I will forever have checkups and tests.  I will forever have scars...physically at least...I am letting God slowly heal the other scars.  As I have said before, cancer does not just attack your body.  It attacks your brain and your heart.  It changes the way that you see and do everything. 

Now whenever I hear of someone who has cancer, it is like living it all over again. I can not just be a bystander...I am in the game.  I know exactly the way they feel when they hear the news, I know the fear and sadness.  It is very difficult to remove yourself from that. 

But on the other hand, empathy is a good thing too and God is using it. This is just the beginning of a new season of been there...done that, lets talk.   I know that when I am going through something, I really want someone who has been there...done that.  Today I get to have lunch with my sweet friend Lisa who has been there and done that with cancer. We will talk and she will fill me with Truth and then this weekend when I see a sweet friend who is right in the middle of her battle we will sit and talk and I will fill her with Truth.

That is the Body. 

That is rejoicing with those who rejoice and mourning with those who mourn.

It is good...It is a new reality. 

There is no way to go through something like this unchanged...nor would I want to.  I have learned that I am not immortal, I am not in control and I am not bullet proof.  I have also learned that I am beautiful, I am loved and I am redeemed. 

I will take redeemed over in control any day.