Recovery Is So Not My Nature

By nature I move fast and I think fast.

Because of that nature, I think that I should recover fast.

Right now I am moving slow and thinking slow.

This is hard.

I have to remember that my body went under anestesia and went through major surgery.

Praise the Lord that every day I get a little better, but I am used to going from sunup to sunddown without stopping and being ok with that.  I actually thrive on it.

I love to move and be on the go and be a part of things.

Now I go for a couple of hours and I need to lay down and rest.

I know this is normal and I know this is ok, but it is hard.

The Lord is teaching me a lot in this.  He is showing me to slow down and depend on Him and other people.  I have been so blessed to have so many people helping me.  I have gotten to see the Body be the Body and function like God intends for it to be done.

So pray that I will be ok going at the pace that I am going and not overdo it.  Pray that I would continue to use the opportunities God is giving me to be still and allow Him to speak to me and show me what He has for me.

No More Cancer

I met with the oncologist today.

I am cured.

Or as the doctor says 99.9% cured...because no doctor says 100% cured.

Everyday I continue to be amazed at God's faithfulness.

Because He specifically said to me 'get a mammogram' and I obeyed they detected the cancer before it became invasive.

Had I waited or second guessed hearing God this could be a totally different story.

God loves me enough to want to speak to me and He blesses my obedience.

Since the cancer was not invasive and not in the lymph nodes I will not have to have radiation or chemotherapy.

Can I get a praise God!!

So today I got blood work done and will schedule PET scans and chest X-Rays to check the rest of my body. She started talking about having other things checked out by my primary doctor.  I told her that I don't usually go to the doctor on a regular basis.

She looked at me in the face and said 'Happy Birthday, you are 40...now you do'!!

Ouch!!

But it is a small price to pay for my health.  Now, I can't say that the idea of all of these tests doesn't make me nervous at what they might find.  Those thoughts will always be in the back...or sometimes right in the middle of my mind.

But I do know that the same God that told me to get a mammogram is the same God that was there during my meltdown on Monday and is the same God that will be with me through test after test and whatever lies ahead.

I took you from the ends of the earth.  From its farthest corner I called you.  I said 'you are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.  So do not fear, I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:9-10


So today praise God with me.  Praise Him that He is always good and always faithful.  Continue to pray for my healing, I am getting stronger each day.  Pray for upcoming tests and that I will continue to rest in the peace that God gives me and trust that He has the very best for me.

Fuzzy Wuzzy

Fuzzy Wuzzy is not a bear.

Fuzzy Wuzzy is my brain.

That is why my posts have been infrequent.  Reading and typing have not come easy for me the last few days.

Netflix and Cake Boss have been my entertainment.  It requires absolutely no brain cells to watch TV.

While I have been Fuzzy Wuzzy life has been going on all around me.  This past week has been a beautiful picture of the Body coming together and doing what it is supposed to do.

I have had a steady stream of visitors, people bringing me food, helping me, taking my boys and basically doing everything I can not do right now.

I really wish that I could have been able to really see it clearly and enjoy it more.  Unfortunately, I have sat on the couch and watched it go by in a Vicatin induced state of mind.

As I stated in a previous post that I am in the emotional stage...apparently Vicatin enhances those emotions and this morning I had my first meltdown.

That is ok.

As one friend said, I was due for a meltdown and God says that He holds all of our tears in a bottle.  So therefore crying is good and crying is healing.

I want to heal.  Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.  That is why God created crying.  When you hold everything in you get hard and I think it would be easy to start enjoying the Vicatin.

Praise God He knows that I don't want that and he allowed this meltdown.  I thought that my appointment to get the drainage tubes out was this afternoon, but Vicatin also causes me to make things up and my appointment wasn't actually until tomorrow.

Meltdown.

Praise the Lord for my doctors office and they are going to work me in today.  Calling the doctor during a meltdown is a good thing.

So after sweet prayer and the realization that God wants me to cry and even meltdown I am better.  Because I also realize that while God wants these things, He also wants me to move forward and not stay in this state.

While I know I will still be emotional for a while and I am just beginning to heal.  I also know that God is with me holding my hand every step of the way.

How sweet is that?!

Thank you for praying for me.  Keep praying for me to heal and that each day I will get stronger and not have to take this pain medicine much longer.

My Hospital Stay

Words can not even begin to describe what a wonderful experience (for what it is really) I had yesterday.

God was so good to me.

And truly it is only because of the Lord that I can go through an experience like this with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

The day started out with them having to inject radio active dye into me to find the centinal (main) lymph node.  Two of my sweetest and funniest friends got to be in the room with me.

You can only imagine the laughter and jokes about me glowing and when he injected the pain medicine a little squirted up on my face and they said it was because he didn't want me to ask any more questions.

We had too much fun.

Then I went to pre-op where I was surrounded by friends and family that prayed sweet prayers over me.  Prayers of peace and healing and quick recovery.

God is already moving mightily there.

I came out of surgery and was continued to be surrounded by so many people, beautiful flowers and dinner brought to me.

All the while I was coherant and mobile and not in much pain (I do have some good drugs!)

My children came to see me and were at peace that momma was ok.

A sweet girl spent the night at the hospital and we talked until mid night with the lights off.  At one point I told her it felt like we were at camp and not the hospital.

God is good.

He is in control and He loves to lavish His goodness on His children.

I am home now and recovering.  I go back to the doctor on Thursday.  They will have the final pathology report from the lymph nodes, but right now it still looks like it was not invasive and that they got it all.

Pray that I am cancer free!!

Pray for me today

Pray for me today.

My mind is a whirlwind and my stomach is in knots.

But deep down inside is still the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Pray that that peace will come to the surface and have victory over my mind and my stomach.

Pray for the surgeons today.

Pray for all of the "legistics" of my sister getting here safely and my children not being too nervous and acting out.

Pray that I would glorify the Lord above all else.

Pray that the hospital staff would see Jesus in me and want to know why there is a smile on my face as I go into surgery.

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 2 Corinthians 4:6-11

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day.

You are never too old for your mother.  When you are a baby and a small child you want your mother to hold you, to rock you and to kiss your boo boo and make it better.

Then you reach adolescence.  You try really hard to pretend that you do not have a mother.  You fight for your independence and think that you know everything and mom has no clue (but secretly you still think she is the best because she makes good food and snuggles up with you when no one is looking!).

And then something happens when you become an adult, you realize that everything your mother said was true and she really did know things.  The world starts getting hard and you still want your mother to hold you, to rock you and to kiss your boo boo and make it better.

Ah moms...there is nothing like them.  They are strong and courageous and yet soft and gentle.  They are capable of doing forty-seven things at one time and yet really listen when their child needs them. 

I have really been missing my mother a lot.  You will always miss your mother, but sometimes more than others.  I know that there have been a lot of days that I wish my mom was here to rock me and kiss this boo boo and make it better.

But I am thankful for the time that I had with my mother, the memories and the love.  She was a very special lady.

So if you still have your mother with you, make sure that you call her and love on her...not just today but everyday.

If your mother is gone, rejoice in the time that you had. 

Make new and special memories with your own kids.

Whirl Winds and Wind Downs

This week has gone by uncomfortably fast. 

It has been a whirlwind, as have the last three weeks as well. 

I have spent these past few weeks preparing my job, my house and my children for me to be "out of commission" for several weeks. 

God has been asking me to sit down with Him and really prepare my heart for what I am about to go through.  As God usually does with me, He starts out slowly and gently and as I grow increasingly busier (sometimes in an effort to avoid the inevitable) He gets louder and more persistant.

Monday night I got to do just that.  I sat down with God and just let Him have it.  As painful as it was just to lay my heart out bare it was equally sweet because He reminded me of His Truth and gave me the peace that can only come from Him.

When a person is diagnosed with cancer there are several stages that they go through.  The first stage is shock.  When you are speechless and kind of floating outside of your body.  Usually this stage does not last very long because really life keeps happening, you have to talk and there is no time for floating.

The second stage is action.  Ok...we know what this is now what are we going to do.  Lets develop a plan of treatment and get the show on the road.  This is a pretty cold stage where again there is no time for floating and no time for emotions.

The third stage and where I am now is emotional.  And I am not talking about walking around hysterical and crying because really all that would do is rob me of my joy and how would God receive glory in that?

Emotional is real and lasts for quite a while because cancer changes your whole perception of reality. We view life as something that just is and cancer comes in and says 'this can be taken away from you at any minute and you really are not in control of this at all'. 

Emotional is hurt, it is sad, it is fear and it is standing in a group of people and thinking to yourself is this really real?  Is this happening to me?  How am I still functioning?

There is only one answer to that.

God.

God wants to take all of these real emotions and deal with them.  He does not want me to keep them bottled up or ignore them.  He wants to speak Truth over me and remind me that He goes before me and is with me and never leaves me or forsakes me (Deuteronomy 31:8) , that His perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18) and  that He has loved me with an everlasting love; He has drawn me with unfailing kindness. (Jeremiah 31:3).

This is the beauty of Christ.  We live in a messed up world with sickness and hurt and He tells us that yes, while we will get sick and we will hurt, we need not worry because He never changes.  We can be caught up in a whirlwind, but just hold on because He is a Rock that will not be shaken.

How can I put my faith and trust in anything else besides that?

So I am asking the Lord that the peace that He has given me this week continue.  That I will have that peace on Monday when I go to the hospital.  That I will have this peace in a year...in fifteen years...in thirty  years and up until I stand before Him and say yay!! 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

Pray this for me too.

Stop, Think and Pray

Have you ever stopped to think how many times a day you pick up something heavy like your child, a box or the groceries.

Have you ever stopped to think how many times a day you bend over to get pick something up or reach up high for an object.

All day every day.

We take so many things for granted.  Our mobility for example, we can just jump out of bed and start to work without even giving it a second thought when there are so many people who are unable to do simple tasks for whatever reason.

Really, try it now.  Drop a pencil on the floor and then pick it up...now providing that you didn't hit your head on the desk or counter, that was really simple. Right.

You didn't even have to think about it.

Imagine that there are people right now that for them picking up a pencil off the floor is a great accomplishment.

Yesterday I spent the day very aware of it. 

My surgery is only a week away and then I will spend a good three to six weeks regaining full mobility and be limited to what I can carry and do. So therefore I have been thinking and planning how that will affect my every day life.

Wow.

It affects every minute of my day.  Getting a cup out of the cupboard or picking one of the million hot wheels up off the floor...even driving, since I drive a tank, things that I normally do without thinking will require much thought and be painful.

I started thinking of those who spend a much longer time or even a lifetime unable to appreciate simple tasks. I know that I will recover and be fine, but so many people will not.  Many people spend their days in pain, have obstacles that they must overcome and have a lifetime of hard.

So I challenge you this week.  Everytime you stoop down or reach up, everytime you lift something heavy or jump up from the couch or bed...pray.

Pray for loved ones or friends who are battling cancer.

Pray for those you know recovering from surgery or other illnesses.

Pray for those who can not walk.

Pray for those who have lost a limb and even the simplest of things are a challenge.

Pray that God would make you more aware of the people around you and give you a thankful heart for the abilities He has given you.

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. Colossians 4:2