Being Still Before the Lord

“Be still, and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10

I love to be still before the Lord.

I love to read Gods Word.

I love to pray.

I love to worship.

So really this isn't a very hard thing is it...or is it?

I am realizing that while I love to do these things, I love to do them on my time.  My quiet time in the morning, getting together with a group of people to pray or corporate worship.  All of these things are done on My time and I fit them into MY schedule...ouch.

But being told that I will spend two weeks at home not doing anything...being still...is making my heart beat fast.  The kind of fast when you are anticipating something but you are not sure how it is going to work out.

I have spent the last week rescheduling appointments, shopping, cleaning, lining up people to help with the boys. 

I have been anything but still...I have been very much a Martha when I really want to be a Mary.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. Luke 10:38-39

I invite Jesus into my house, but am I stopping to listen to Him and sit with Him when He wants to talk to me or do I say hold on just a minute while I finish what I am doing?

The idea of being in my house and seeing something that needs to be done and not being able to do it makes me a little nauseous.

I am a doer.  I see something that needs to be done, I do it.  A Martha.

But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”  Luke 10:40

My first thought was maybe I will be so drugged that I won't care what is going on. That would be the easy way out...just sleep through it.  But then the Lord started showing me that He wants me to be still on His time and that He is in control so I just need to let up a little bit.

 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,  but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”  Luke 10:41-42

I want to chose what is better.  So the house may not be spotless, the laundry might pile up...that is ok because He is worthy of my undivided attention.  When He wants to speak to me is when I need to drop everything and listen.

So pray that while I am preparing my house and my children for my upcoming surgery that I will also let God prepare my heart for Him to show me how to slow down, and not just when I have to but also when He wants me to.

Easter 2011

We had such a wonderful day today.

Truth be told it did not start out wonderful.  The enemy definately tried to put his two cents in this morning.  I spent 15 minutes telling Alex that his clothes did not match and why he could not wear that to church and then half way to church I looked at Michael and said "where are your shoes"?!  He thought they were in the car but they were not...yes we had to turn around and go back home.

All these things were definately trying to distract me and rob me of joy...but aha!  I am on to oh evil one and said "get behind me"!!

Come to find out he tried to pull this trick on several other people I talked to today...not very creative is he.

After a wonderful church service we headed to my favorite place on earth besides my house...my home away from home. 

Such a wonderfully peaceful place where time stands still, cell phones do not exist and people are relaxed.

My adopted parents Nana and Paw Paw.

So much love and wisdom here that they freely pour out.

The boys enjoy it too. 

Such sweet smiles

This is more realistic.

They swam.

They relaxed.

I curled up with Nana for some really good long talks. 

I could stay here forever.

But alas, I can not.  Tomorrow is back to work and school.  Three days went by fast, but we soaked up rest, relaxation and fellowship and made great memories.

Psalm 139

You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Lord, all day long you are watching me.  You see me when I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to stay two steps ahead of my boys.  You see me when I am so exhausted and I can't put a complete sentence together, I know the words I want to use but can't seem to make sense...but you know them completely.

Today I can not fathom it.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn,  if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me  and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

You are everywhere Lord.  You are there when I am laughing, acting goofy and having a blast.  You are there when I am crying like a baby curled up in a ball.  You never leave me.

You are proud and cheering right along side me when my kids do something great.  You are holding me in your arms when I feel sad and all alone.

Today I can not fathom it.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body;  all the days ordained for me were written in your book  before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.

You made me.  You made my cute dimple and you made my left foot bigger than my right foot.  And in Your eyes it is perfect.  When I look in the mirror and in my eyes something doesn't look quite right, You are seeing a beautiful masterpiece that you created.  You knew 40 years ago all the things that I would do, and you love me anyway.  You knew 40 years ago all the things that would happen to me and you pour your love out on me daily.  You knew that I would be yours.

Today I can not fathom it.

If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.  Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Lord, if only I didn't have to deal with the hard things, the hard people, the enemy, cancer.  Then life would be easy, but then would I need you?  You have never promised me easy.  But you have promised me love.  Let me love like you love...see like you see...feel like you feel.  Lord, you search me...let me let you search me more.

Today I can not fathom it.

But one day I will.  One day everything will be revealed...that glorious day.  Lord haste the day, but until then let me live to glorify you.

Thank you for Jesus...thank you that endured Friday so that we can celebrate Sunday!!!

Brain Overload

Today I spent the afternoon at the lawyers office drawing up my will.  Not because of lack of faith or because I think anything is going to happen to me, but because as a responsible adult/parent it is what I needed to do to make sure everything is in place.

Because quite honestly, anything could happen to any one of us at any time and I do not want to leave a mess for anyone and I want to make sure my children are taken care of.

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. James 4:14

So while I am glad that I have that done, I have to tell you it is a bit daunting to try and tie up your whole life in a pretty little package.

I walked around the rest of the day with such an eternal outlook.  It made my head hurt and my heart grieve for how we live.  So much stuff, so much to think about...I really wish it was much simpler than this.

I made the mistake of going to Wal Mart afterwards and was literally attacked by chocolate bunnies and marshmallow peeps, I wanted to cry. 

Jesus forgive us.

After the past seven weeks of doctors and hospitals and medical lingo, now to add all the legal mumbo jumbo to it, my brain is on overload.

Tomorrow I am not going to think about this at all.  Tomorrow I am going to take a break from all of this and practice Philippians 4.

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.  Philippians 4:8-9

I need that peace because the day after that, I have to tackle the insurance.

Faithfulness is God's Very Nature

God shows His faithfulness to me everyday.  Just the very fact that I woke up this morning is because of His faithfulness.

I am breathing in and out right now and that is because of His faithfulness.  It is amazing that we can have it right in front of us and not see it. 

God has been reminding me of His faithfulness for the past six months . 

Shortly before Christmas I had an accident and totalled my car.  The very same day a couple from our church said that they had a suburban they were not using anymore and I could HAVE it.

That is a huge sign of Gods faithfulness. 

That is actually a flashing neon sign of Gods faithfulness that He would provide a vehicle for me the very same day that there was a need.

That is the kind of faithfulness that we all dance and shout about because it is so evident and it is immediate.

We are a microwave generation.

We want to see things immediately.

It has been seven weeks since my first mammogram.

Five of those weeks were spent waiting, getting more mammograms and having biopsies done.

The whole time God was asking me "Am I still faithful?  If it is cancer am I still faithful?"

Yes Lord you are faithful.  You told me to get a mammogram, the cancer was caught at the very earliest stage.  Surgery is all that is needed.  I will not have to go through chemo or radiation.

I had to wait weeks to find this out.  Weeks that God spent talking to me and showing me His character and faithfulness.  I am very glad for those weeks, hard as they were at the time, they have grown me.

It would be very easy for me to break down and cry "why me Lord, don't you see how much else I already have on my plate?"

But we already know why.  We live in a fallen world with sin and disease and hurt and pain.  This can happen to anyone at any time.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2

The question should never be why, but how.  How can I glorify You Lord?  How can I get through the day on your strength?  How can I share what You are doing with others who do not know You?

These are the questions I am asking.

These are the things He is teaching me.

I still have a lot further to go on this journey.

Pray that even as times get hard that I will continue to draw on His strength and remember His faithfulness.

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.  Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth.  Psalm 57:10-11

My Plan + God's Plan = Perfect Peace

So like I said yesterday was a rough day.

I have spent the last week waiting and thinking and waiting and thinking.

What will the doctor say to me?  What will be my next step?  What will treatment look like?  I had so many questions and no idea what I was going to be told.

I have also spent the last week praying.  I have been asking God to show me what I am supposed to.  What plan will be best for me.  Not what other people suggest or what other people have done.  But what is best for me.

So today I went to the doctor very confident in what I am supposed to do.  But I had to keep reminding myself that the doctor might say something completely different. 

Talk about a major internal tug of war. 

I would pull and pull, knowing what to do, what I felt the Lord telling me.  And just as I pull almost to the other side...yank...what if this is not what the doctor recomends, what if this is not possible?

My heart had deep rope burns by this morning.

When I got to the doctors today and sat down with him.  I laid out everything I had been thinking and he looked at me and said "that is exactly right".

Perfect Peace.

Open the gates that the righteous nation may enter, the nation that keeps faith. You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.  Isaiah 26:2-4

His Plan

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

Yesterday was a hard day.
 
I am tired.

I am tired of waiting and wondering.

I am tired of not having answers and making up plans in my head.

By nature I am a planner.  I like to know what is going to happen and when and how it is going to happen.  When I go too long without answers I begin making plans that may or may not turn out correctly.

Then there is usually disappointment and frustration.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

God has plans for me.  I need to remember that they are not my plans.  I need to hold what is going to happen lightly in my hands.

Today I go to the doctor to discuss my treatment options.

Today I will hopefully have some answers as to what things are going to look like.  Realistically I know that I will not have every answer for everything that will happen for the next year.

I have to be ok with that.

God has a plan and He is faithful to bring it to fruition in His own time.  I see His new mercies every day.

So today pray that I will not try to get ahead of Him.  That I will be ok with a little information at a time and trust that He is going to work everything out.

His plan.

His time.

His glory.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. Romans 8:28-30

Brothers

Look at those precious faces.

Are they not two of the most adorable boys you have ever seen.

Don't be completely fooled, about two minutes before these bright and shining smiles, big brother was picking on little brother like only a 12 year old boy can...really they seem to lose all forms of self control...and little brother was not taking it well.

But that lasts about 5 minutes and then it is smiles and giggles.

That's how we roll around here.

My precious boys. 

Two boys who are as different as night and day but yet share a great love and bond with each other.

Michael, who is 12, loves everything social.  He loves and thrives on being around people.  He can work a room in 5 minutes flat and has never met a stranger.  He is both bookworm and class clown at the same time.  He really wants to be a librarian but I am not sure he can stay quiet that long.  His personal best is 6 minutes...yes we timed him.  It was torture for him.

Alex, who is 9, is much more of lone wolf.  But once he gets to know you, he loves you dearly.  Get him outside with a lizzard or a snake and he is happy for hours.  He will probably live in the jungle somewhere and study bugs.  I said to him that is fine as long as he tells people about Jesus and calls his mother.

Put this combination together and there is never a dull moment. 

They can fight like cats and dogs, but down deep there is a bond and a love that can't be denied.

Brothers.

I had to sit down with these brothers, my boys, and tell them that momma has cancer.

To look in those faces and say that word hurt more than anything I could have imagined.

That is something very difficult to prepare for and can only be Spirit led.

I am so thankful that the Spirit did lead the conversation and the hope that I have was able to pour out on them.

The only thing Michael could say was 'whoa'.

Alex just wanted to stay curled up next to me for a while.  That was fine with me.  Those moments are fewer and farther between as they get older.

The first thing Alex said is "I've never known anyone with cancer before"...Michael quickly said "uh, yeah...Nanny and Grandpa".

Alex "oh".

Typical conversation in our house.

As hard as it was, it was equally sweet. 

I got to share with them how God told momma to have a test done and she obeyed and now it can be treated.

God will get so much glory from this.

But please pray for them.  Because right now I don't think it seems real to them.  I am still same momma, loving and spanking and cooking and cleaning all at the same time.

But I will have treatment.

And it will be rough.

And it will be different.

Pray that they will not be confused and that they seek the Lord and see that He is my strength and is their strength too.

Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. Psalm 105:3-4

Lord Help My Brain

Cancer does not just attack the body, it also attacks the brain.

I am normally a very rational person.

Emotional is not how I would describe myself.

Except when it comes to flip flops, but that is a whole other story.

More times than I would like to count over the last few days my brain has actually left my body and began reacting on its own.

First my brain starts to skip a bit when someone looks at me and I feel those 'oh I am so sorry for you eyes' and my brain says 'pitiful'.

Then my brain breaks into a trot when I feel the 'I am afraid to hug you because I might catch it' reaction from someone. 

Really, is that at all rational?  It is not like leprosy!  The cells are not on the outside of my body!!

And then my brain takes off in a full sprint like yesterday a sweet girl told me to sit down.  She told me to sit so that I could enjoy a particular event. 

My brain (already outside of my body) said 'why do I have to sit down?  Just because I have cancer does not mean that I am an invalid.  I can still do things.  I feel fine'.

A bit dramatic wouldn't you say.

My brain could have probably won an award for that reaction.

Fortunately the Lord has tamed my tongue enough that my mouth does not react as quickly as my brain does and I smiled and sat down.

But my brain tired from all the running around it has been doing.

So today I am praying for focus.

I am praying that my brain would truly hear what people are saying and not start ad libbing.

I am praying that Truth would be in the forefront of my mind so there is not room for all crazy minions running around wreaking havoc.

So please pray these things with me and for me!

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:3-4

Daughter of the King

Today was a beautifully sweet, overwhelmingly emotional day that I will cherish for a long time to come. 

Every year our church holds an event called Daughters of the King.  It is an event directed at school aged girls kindergarten through 5th grade.  It is designed to show them who they are in the Lord.  We want to show girls at a very young age that their beauty and worth is found only in the Lord and not the things of this world such a clothes, jewelry, friends and the standard of beauty that the world holds women to. 

While we do this for the girls, it is for all women of all ages to know that they are deeply loved by the Creator of the Universe and when they have given their lives to Him and are His daughter, it is a love that can never be broken.

The Lord reminded me today that I am His.  He spoke His love over me and showed me that I am beautiful.  No matter what happens to this body of mine, He has my heart and that is what he loves.

The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”  1 Samuel 16:7

I am thankful that I know these things.  I am thankful that the Lord has given me the faith to believe His promises are true.  I pray that these will carry me through what might lie ahead.

Because I am still a girl.

I still like pretty.

I still have flesh that creeps out and tells me lies about myself.

I still look in the mirror and see what the world sees.

Lord help me.

My prayer is that I would fear the Lord above man.  That I would recognize truth and listen to the Lord.

Pray this with me and for me.  Pray that the Lord would clear my mind and that He would speak to my heart.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

Calling All Prayer Warriors

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

Lord, we need to hear from You.  I need to hear from You.  I have been diagnosed with Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. 

Breast Cancer. 

Praise the Lord I am His and God has already been speaking to me.  Six weeks ago He very clearly and loudly said "get a mammogram". 

It was the kind of voice you can not ignore.  I can tune out my own voice really well, but when God says to do something, He does not let up until you do it.  So I dig around to find the number.  Call, expecting to get an appointment in a couple of weeks.  They had an opening the next day.

It had been a couple of years since my last mammogram and that one was uneventful. So I really did not think much at all about getting it done.  I knew it was time anyway.

I get a call back that they want further pictures because they see calcifications and want to see them more clearly.  No need to panic.  A lot of people have calcifications.  Not necessarily at 40, but still it happens. 

I have more pictures taken and they decide they want to do a needle biopsy.  They tell me that I have
A Typical Ductal Hyperplasia. 

Not necessarily cancer.

Then they want to do an incision biopsy to get more tissue.  I have to be honest I was getting a bit concerned at this point.

Then I get the news.  Inductal Carcinoma In Situ. 

Cancer.

No one really knows how they are going to respond to that news.  I had played it over in my head how I might react.  Really all you can do is listen.  Speaking isn't really an option and numbness is a reality.

My mother had breast cancer.  Twice.  She fought hard but lost that fight two years ago this past March.

The Lord told my sweet friend Lisa to tell me 'You are not your mother'.

I am standing on that word.  I am also standing on the promise that He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5) and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14).

So I need for you to pray. 

Hard. 

Pray for God's continual protection. 

Pray for healing. 

Pray for the decisions that I have to make, that I would continue to listen to the Lord and His voice. 

Pray for God to be glorified and that I would respresent Him well during this trial. 

Pray for my sweet boys Michael is 12 and Alex is 9.

Pray.